"Why in the world did you do that?" My friend sat across the table from me, her eyebrows raised in bewilderment. It wasn't the response I was expecting from her, but it held a higher truth. After several months in isolation studying mysticism, she had rejoined the world with a kind of clarity that startled me.
"A lapse in better judgment." I shrugged and sipped my coffee. "I was too busy." Excuses I told myself for simply making a careless move.
It also occurred to me that maybe I unconsciously make rash decisions because on the other side of the mistake is where wisdom hides.
After I gushed about all that had transpired in my life since I'd last spoken to her in October, our conversation meandered to meditation, lucid dreams, astral travel, and extraterrestrials. Sharing esoteric wisdom and all those things that light us up, that help us navigate and exist in this mysterious and vast universe.
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The weeks leading up to the New Year were nothing but chaos coming from every direction. Deadlines, visa madness, and some hasty decisions--my foundation was shaken in ways that hadn't been in quite some time. I don't find myself in these situations too often, but when I do, I know it's time to step back and get out of the way.
2022 opened the door, and I arrived fashionably late. But at least I made it. It wasn't until the evening of the first that I finally finished all my end of the year goals. And finally, on the 2nd, I got around to celebrating with friends in Chiang Dao. After midnight, under the new moon, wrapped in every warm piece of clothing I had, I looked up at the star filled sky and saw my first meteor of the year so I made a dozen wishes.
Back in Chiang Mai, week one was full of catch ups with friends near and far--emails and messages, phone calls and meet ups. Knowing that I have friends from all walks of life spanning across the world who listen and guide me and lift me up is really an incredible feeling.
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But it wasn't until I met with another Chiang Mai friend over the weekend that I was brought back to the still point where everything and nothing happens at once, where we can tap into the pure potentiality of Source. We had been sharing our experiences about traveling through India, when it happened. I had told her that I stayed at Amma's ashram for a month and she gasped with awe. "What was it like to hug her?"
"I didn't feel anything," I said. "People were lapsing into fits of hysterical joy and tears and devotion and then there was me, awkwardly sitting there watching it all. There was so much chaos surrounding her it was dizzying."
"And in that moment she hugged you, what happened?"
"The chaos stopped for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and tuned it out and everything got really still, but that's it. I didn't connect with her or feel anything. And the minute she released me, I was tossed back into the chaos."
She squinted at me and nodded. "That's it. That was your gift."
"What?"
"The still point. Do you know the poem?"
As she shared it with me, moments of stillness lodged in my memory rushed back. Don't get caught in the washing machine, Gurmukh's voice echoing through the meditation hall in Rishikesh. Precariously balanced in bakasana at the peak of Triund with the stark, snow-capped Himalaya behind me, the world stood silent and still. Lying on a stretcher in an Indonesian hospital as my head was stitched back together. Lying on the ground in the middle of a gravel road somewhere in northern Laos with the many faces of the village women surrounding me, pure blue sky above me, a voice from somewhere floating into my ears, life is but a dream. The moments stretch further back, to other times and places. All the lives I've lived stacking together into one moment.
Moments of stillness are the most potent because that's where love and forgiveness and chaos have the power to transform into the most incredible art.
And just like that, my faith in all I believe, restored.
This year is coming together, the pieces falling one by one in place around me as I stand in the center, at the still point of the turning world.
What helps you center and stand stronger when life tries to push you from your foundation?
