Living the Mystery

As someone who needs extra strong anchors to stay grounded, the eclipse that happened earlier in November managed to cut me loose and send me reeling and I haven't stopped. What a strange year this has been, and it's not even over. Something stirs just over the precipice--and it's this unknown that keeps luring me deeper and deeper into its story, into its mystery. 

Back in Rishikesh, a teacher had told me that if I have a question, sit in the middle of it until I'm living the answer. I think about that talk a lot. At another point, years later, I came to understand that if we go seeking answers, all we find are more questions. 

I take these ideas and build stories around them. For better or worse, I have a tendency to block out the world and live in these stories, and each year I think it's time to shift, to be more apart of the world around me. I don't feel that anymore. So I will sink deeper into the stories, into the mysteries, and see where it leads. 

As this year comes to an end, I really don't have much to say. Perhaps when I do my year in review, I'll be able to articulate better. My inner world has a language of its own, and it's not always easy to express it to the outer world though I do try through my stories and pictures and here on this blog. 

Two days, three parties, and one exhausted me later--time to pack and hit the sky. One magical reunion and many ocean swims and island adventures await. See you in the new year friends. 

How does your inner world speak to you--through words or images or something else entirely? And how do you best express it to the outer world? 

Uncover, Unlock, Discover

As we move into the shortest days and longest nights, I move further with in, locking myself away with my books and writing and unfurling imagination. Digging into the depths, peeling away layers of my own psyche. As a child born in late October, I am prone to fall in love with esoteric mysteries, hidden magic, and getting lost in the labyrinths of my mind or otherwise. I have an insatiable desire to penetrate the surface of all people and places and things, to hear their stories--the ones they tell and the ones they hide between the lines, in those moments of deep breaths and pauses and sighs.  

The morning of my solar return I awake early and take off eastward, terra incognita. I ride through rolling landscapes as the city fades behind me and a surreal quality descends and encompasses everything, lifting me from the liminal space I inhabit to somewhere altogether otherworldly and unreal. Rivers run through teak coffee houses, hidden waterfalls cascade behind abandoned hostels full of narrow hallways and staircases and giant blue cushions, and a massive treehouse towers over a cliffside. It's getting late, but I stop and turn around anyway.

I'm the only motorbike on the road, the only bike parked at the base of the never ending upward staircase. A chill cuts through the air, and I zip my thick jacket and wrap my giant, heavy scarf around me. I climb the steep, narrow stairs until it levels onto a canopy walkway connecting the various platforms suspended in mid-air. Mountains stretch over the vast landscape, and beyond them the sun settles low, creating a soft orange glow across the sky. Birthday messages come through as well as a perfectly timed phone call. Planets and stars appear in the dark sky. Night takes over, and it's time move on. 

Back at home, I empty the contents of my bag onto the bed. I pull out a notebook full of notes from my interview with an astronomer, a book of Japanese folktales, Sanskrit letter and grammar charts, and budget sheets with a list of books I'm requesting for next semester workshops. A glimpse into how I spend my time these days. The things that trip over each other in my head. I fall back onto the soft, white comforter and sleep for 10 hours straight. 

I blink, and it's already November. I finish the Borges book I started last month, and think about all the clever ways stories have and haven't been told. I think about how much of an impression he's made on me, my life, my perceptions--which is a rather odd realization to have considering I don't ever recall reading him before now. And I can clearly see his influence seeping through the stories of Ted Chiang and Haruki Murakami. Reading mind-bending literature can unlock new neural pathways as readily as meditation practices and breathwork and studying ancient philosophies and languages. It can rip away veils and reveal more layers to dig through. 

And as much as I love reading and learning and uncovering these layers through literature, I find that most stories do not live in the pages of books. They live in ancient, crumbling cities and old growth forests, down winding mountain roads and flowing, muddy rivers, in wide open fields of wildflowers and honeybees and narrow hallways of abandoned caves. They live in the impossible vastness of love and magic and imagination. I've started a new writing project, and I dive deep into these mysteries, exploring ideas I've not yet explored. The journey continues. And I hope you continue exploring with me. 

What stories do you discover when you penetrate the layers of your mind and the world around you?

Impressions of Summer

Let's just keep walking. We'll be back on the trail eventually. Cloudless sky and scorching sun directly overhead--my friend Jo and I were lost somewhere in Pai Canyon. The dry, dusty trail crumbled under our feet as we descended further into an abyss of nothing but the same. I glanced back over my shoulder at the impossibly steep crevices we'd climbed down, and a sense of dread crept up my spine. 

Here's how you float, Heather said and took a big breath. On her back, she floated around the pool like an untethered raft. I can't, I said. You're thinking too much, just hold your breath until you're stable then breath light and easy. She continued to float, and I continued to sink. Again and again and again.

Immersing myself into a barrel of freezing water had never been a thing I'd considered doing, ever. So I shocked myself in more ways than one when I said yes to joining an ice bath community. And, over the course of three weeks, I went from popping in and out of the barrel, to staying in the ice for 30 seconds to one whole minute. The rush and lightness was unlike anything I'd experienced. Half in my body and half out, voices receded into the distance as my friends counted down the seconds. 

❈

The opening scene from Arrival popped on screen, and a rush of excitement washed over me. My job is all about language and communication after all, so of course, I chose Arrival and Story of Your Life for the students to analyze. How could I not?

I spend good chunks of my time creating workshops for students at Chiang Mai University. Most of the workshops are all writing craft and discussing short stories. Occasionally, we play murder mystery games or escape room or watch movies. The beauty of it is that I get to share my favorite writers and stories and ideas and hope that it creates a ripple effect of awe and inspiration. 

I brought you a book, he said. And I wrote a message in it for you...but it's in Sanskrit. With the nearly full moon overhead, I held it to my chest. I don't think there is anything I will treasure so much in my life. What this means to me is beyond words or logic. And once again, I free fall into the mystery that envelops everything. 

It took me three days to translate the book inscription--which was either way too long or pretty good timing, considering it was handwritten, and I had nothing to go on except trial and error to start. Laying poolside in the sun with my Sanskrit chart, I think: Life can't get much better, really. My compulsion to throw myself into puzzles and mysteries seems to have reached a pinnacle, an event horizon that will forever drag me toward its center, but never fully revealing all its secrets. 

❈

My All Trails map finally loaded--showing that we weren't even on a marked road or trail. We could turn around, but it would mean climbing back up the terrifyingly steep crevices. With the glaring sun in my eyes, I squinted and looked back at the the hill of dry dirt and gravel we had half slid down, then gazed down at the more of the same, leading us ever deeper into the canyon. 

Let's turn back and course correct, I said. Jo nodded. You might need to push me up the hill, I told her. You might need to pull me through the crevices. Good thing I accidently brought my bike helmet with me, she said and held up the helmet that helped us climb down, and eventually, would help us climb out of the canyon. We had no water, no sunscreen, no food. But we had a motorbike helmet. Divine intervention at it's best. 

I learned to float because I drowned once, Heather said. You drowned? Yeah, got caught in a whirlpool. I was dead when they found me. What do you remember? I asked. Not a thing. I held my breath until I couldn't anymore. Everything went white, then next thing I remember I came to in an emergency room. Wow, I said, that's wild. That's why I float now, she said and floated to the other end of the pool and back, unwavering and steady. 

❈

Baa narak dok mai. Chan rak kafae. Sawadee kha. Kop khun kha. Nam. Chai! Mai pen rai. Nit noi. Sabai sabai. Ruesi! My friends and I sit outside the little coffee stand, and I list all the Thai words and phrases I know.

After six years in this country, my knowledge of Thai is still only a string of words that never really add up to anything but impressions. Much like most of my experiences here in Thailand. And life in general for that matter. A string of impressions that don't really add up until maybe you stand back and see them as a whole. Which I fully intend to do once I reach an appropriately old age. I'm sure I'll know when that is when I get there. 

I held my breath and floated. Heather had left the prior week so no one was here to witness this moment of the seemingly impossible. I breathed easy. I stayed afloat. I allowed my mind to wander from earth to sky, from here and now to the liminal space in-between. Star chaser, sun child. I let my imagination unfurl into infinity.

Jo and I made our way out of the canyon and found the path we strayed from. It was too late in the day and we didn't have time to hike the full loop so we headed back to the trailhead. My clothes, caked with dirt, stuck to my sweaty body. Jo looked as though she hadn't even broken a sweat. The sun drooped westward casting a burnt-orange glow to the trail and a dark shadow over the canyon. We rode through the countryside on backroads back to Pai, taking in the sweeping rice field landscapes and muddy river views as heavy clouds rolled in over the mountain tops and thunder cracked in the distance.

Summer unfolded like a series of impressions--one fading into the next and lingering like the oranges and reds across an evening late summer sky. Or maybe they were more like shooting stars hitting the atmosphere--taking me by surprise, creating an impression, and vanishing in a blink.

What about you, friends? How was your summer? And how will you remember it? 

Stardust and Stories

"We are all stardust and stories." --Erin Morgenstern

The stories from elsewhere come in waves, often times when I least expect it--never when I see fields of flowers or kites or wandering muddy jungle trails alone in cool early morning hours. They come when I hear clips of random music or when I'm staring at the ceiling after a yoga practice. Or, most often, staring at a star filled sky on a clear, moonless night, tapping into the ether beyond time and space. Stories caught in timeless moments like crystalized snowflakes. At one point in my life, they were my only moments of peace.

Sometimes the stories come in moments of stillness on nights of chaos when the music is too loud and when my brain starts to short circuit from overstimulation. This world is only gonna break your heart. A chorus whispered through what I think might be a love song, albeit a disturbing one. A song I'd not given much thought to until recently, and I think: Should be the disclaimer before signing onto this planet. A place where stories tighten around throats.

If all stories come from outside time and space where all possible stories exist, then we are the containers that catch them and they live through, permeating our psyche and shaping our lives. But these human containers are so small and narrow, each one a sliver of all possibilities. A memory from a forgotten dream perhaps. Or maybe from a chapter in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Either way, the idea has haunted me for years.

I spend good chunks of my day thinking about story structures and how one tells a story is just as important as the themes or plot or character development. I think about astrophotography and nesting boxes and charm bracelets, and how anything can contain a story if you're willing to let it. 

⁜

I started reading the Starless Sea because of a really bad review a friend wrote about it. She didn't just simply say it was a bad book. She took her review to such an extreme it actually made me want to read it. And so I did. 

I've never read a more Murakami book not written by Murakami. Intertwining stories hidden within stories. Keys that unlock painted doors that lead to other worlds, other stories. Mysterious characters that lure unsuspecting protagonists into adventure and danger. Also, elevators, food, and cats. 

Like Murakami, Erin Morgenstern leads you through trap doors to underworlds, into your psyche, full of twists and turns and crossroads and choices. The meandering nature leaves you wondering if the story will actually lead anywhere. But unlike Murakami, her story does lead somewhere--into new stories, a never ending sea of stories, not unlike the akasha, the ether beyond time and space. (She also references the Secret History which I can't decide if I find endearing or pretentious). 

The Starless Sea is undefined and loose, its intertwining stories build slowly around structures like vines. Tales trapped in webs. Questions caught in labyrinths. I think about the myth of the Argus, the eyes in the sky, witnessing all the stories at once. And how the only place for stories to hide is beneath the surface of the earth, hidden from stars, from our eyes, where myths drown in a sea of honey and fate and time cross paths again and again and again.

It is thick with metaphors and symbolism, and like the structure, they are loose and undefined. It's up to the reader to attach meaning to them, to weave their own stories into the mess of story fragments scattered throughout the book. I think that's what makes it so frustrating for readers, nothing is explained to you. You are spoon fed nothing but vivid imagery and symbols and characters constantly getting lost. But I also think that's what makes this story so compelling and beautiful. It's a lot like life on planet Earth--a bunch of lost people with nothing to go on but the mess of stories filled in their containers. 

The Starless Sea isn't and never will be timely. Only timeless. Instead of attempting to make sense of things, it embraces the senselessness and chaos. I'd like to think the world needs more stories like this. But what do I know.

What are your thoughts on story structure? When you read, do you ever think about the structure and how it can shape your interpretation of the story? 

Nine Years After: A Story

I have a story to tell. Well, kind of. I'm not actually going to tell you the story. I'm just going to tell you about the story. It's a true story, and it happened nine years ago. So, gather around friends and envision a bonfire. 

There are a handful of significant days in my life, and April 19th is one of them. If November 11, 2011 was the day I chanted a magic prayer that unlocked the secret chamber that allowed the walls of my life to completely crumble and fall apart in 2012, then April 19th, 2013 was the day I fell through a portal and hit a singularity, where everything began to restructure itself to propel me in completely new directions. 

This story involves a madman, a wrecked motorbike, four friends, an injured deer, tequila, a truck, the police, lots of yellow paint, and one epic house move. Stir into one crazy night. You can use your imagination to how all those pieces fit together, and you'd probably get it all wrong. 

In fact, I could give that list to ten different people and end up with ten different stories. Maybe one might come close to what actually happened. But probably not. Despite the fact I survived 2012 on the coattails of miracles, they paled in comparison to the improbable alignment of events that night. Well, except for maybe how my hard drive (where all my writing was stored) was the only part of my computer to survive an unfortunate incident involving a hammer a month earlier. But that's anther story. 

It's fascinating how we create stories out of bits and pieces of information and make it all our own. 

I could tell more tales of the seemingly random, improbable alignments, uncanny timings, and meeting unlikely earth angels. And maybe in time, I will. I have a lifetime full of them. And they continue to infiltrate my life in unexpected ways.  

I cannot claim to understand the secrets of the universe or the magic behind the synchronicities. But I am grateful for them all. 

Reflect on the improbable synchronicities throughout your life. Even if you think there are none, I'm sure you can think of a story where a chance meeting or perfectly aligned timing changed the course of everything that came thereafter. 

Pay attention and be grateful for these moments. You will start to experience more and more of them until one day you notice that they tell the story of your life. 

The Murakami Factor

A couple times a month I hop on this English conversation platform and talk to people from all over the world. My favorite conversations are with the folks from Japan because I'm kind of enamored with most things from Japan. I'd like to think this obsession started that one afternoon I arrived home to find that my then boyfriend had replaced all of our forks with chopsticks. But that's another story.

My favorite talks are with people from Japan because it gives me an opportunity to casually bring Haruki Murakami into the conversation. My favorite writer is from Japan, I tell them with more enthusiasm than is called for. Then I proceed to tell them about all my favorite Murakami books. There could be worse ways to spend my time. 

I haven't read Murakami in over two years, but whenever my life starts to take surreal turns, I think of him immediately. Years ago, I started calling this phenomenon the Murakami Factor. It would always happen when I'd be reading one of his books, but then I noticed it would happen regardless if I was reading Murakami or not. 

Since the start of this year, it feels like I've stumbled into an alternate reality where everything and everyone has taken on a kind of surreal quality--much like when a Murakami character crawls out of a well, through a tunnel, or down the side of a highway overpass. Intense synchronicities and moments of magic unexpectedly appear in my life, taking me by surprise, and leaving me wonder if I had inadvertently ripped a hole in spacetime. If you've spent enough time with me, you understand how these things can happen. 

The Night Circus was the first book I read this year, so maybe, much like a Murakami novel, it's found its way into my psyche too, altering the way I see the world. The Night Circus is full of illusions and magic held together by characters locked in a competition, enchanted tarot readings, and secrets. But for me, it's as though my entire existence is being held together by the alignment of improbable circumstances and the books that I read--from the unfolding of events that led to my new job at the University to all of the people who have swept through my life. Nothing feels quite real. 

But the moment I become hyperaware of what is happening is when the surreal quality begins to diminish. After all these years, I've yet to discover the secret to making it stay, but I suppose that's the point--it isn't supposed to last. What makes it so magical is the ebb and flow, how it catches me off guard and sweeps me into another world. As I attempt to exist within this ever shifting world, I embrace all the moments for as long as I can, then allow them to fall away, making space for more magic to find me. 

Do the books you read ever take grip on your life, altering the way you see the world? Tell me your stories of magic and wonder! 

Burning of the Sigils

It starts like this:

Sign up for a seven week yoga course that turns out to be more akin to a mystery school

Make sigils 

Fall in love with them

Don't burn them

Lose them in the chaos of moving

Forget they exist until a friend triggers the memory

You must burn them, she says with vigor. You must!

Take this as a direct message from God

It takes half a day to find them

On the night of the first full moon of the year, burn them.

The next day an unexpected thunderstorm hits the city, clearing the atmosphere and cooling the air

Notice more stars over the city than ever

Magic seems to seep from seams unseen

Catch glimpses of it in the spaces between blinks, breaths, and dreams

Bust through another round of novel edits

Complete draft 7 and love it more than ever

Editor unexpectedly writes to check in, expressing her excitement, sending encouraging words

Count personalized rejections from agents as wins 

Stay focused and diligently moving forward

Expand agent list, let intuition and new doorways guide the way

Approach the next novel from a different perspective--let it get speculative, strange, and magical 

Revisit old short stories and create a plan for them

Brainstorm creative ideas for the new job

Read magical stories for inspiration

Writers are kind of like magicians, invoking creativity and inspiration and giving it to the world.

My path as a writer has always been pretty direct despite the many twists and turns my life has taken. But it's been all the twists and turns that's helped me see through a lens of magic, that's helped me alchemize the not so pleasant into something otherworldly and magical. 

The burning of the sigils was just another way of remembering to surrender and trust, to stay true to my path.

And so here I am--weaving magic and writing stories, as I always have. That's my only responsibility in this world as long as I step out of the way and allow the Universe to take care of the rest.

How do you invoke magic? How do you see it showing up in your life?

At the Still Point

"Why in the world did you do that?" My friend sat across the table from me, her eyebrows raised in bewilderment. It wasn't the response I was expecting from her, but it held a higher truth. After several months in isolation studying mysticism, she had rejoined the world with a kind of clarity that startled me. 

"A lapse in better judgment." I shrugged and sipped my coffee. "I was too busy." Excuses I told myself for simply making a careless move. 

It also occurred to me that maybe I unconsciously make rash decisions because on the other side of the mistake is where wisdom hides. 

After I gushed about all that had transpired in my life since I'd last spoken to her in October, our conversation meandered to meditation, lucid dreams, astral travel, and extraterrestrials. Sharing esoteric wisdom and all those things that light us up, that help us navigate and exist in this mysterious and vast universe. 

⧝

The weeks leading up to the New Year were nothing but chaos coming from every direction. Deadlines, visa madness, and some hasty decisions--my foundation was shaken in ways that hadn't been in quite some time. I don't find myself in these situations too often, but when I do, I know it's time to step back and get out of the way. 

2022 opened the door, and I arrived fashionably late. But at least I made it. It wasn't until the evening of the first that I finally finished all my end of the year goals. And finally, on the 2nd, I got around to celebrating with friends in Chiang Dao. After midnight, under the new moon, wrapped in every warm piece of clothing I had, I looked up at the star filled sky and saw my first meteor of the year so I made a dozen wishes.

Back in Chiang Mai, week one was full of catch ups with friends near and far--emails and messages, phone calls and meet ups. Knowing that I have friends from all walks of life spanning across the world who listen and guide me and lift me up is really an incredible feeling. 

⧝

But it wasn't until I met with another Chiang Mai friend over the weekend that I was brought back to the still point where everything and nothing happens at once, where we can tap into the pure potentiality of Source. We had been sharing our experiences about traveling through India, when it happened. I had told her that I stayed at Amma's ashram for a month and she gasped with awe. "What was it like to hug her?"

"I didn't feel anything," I said. "People were lapsing into fits of hysterical joy and tears and devotion and then there was me, awkwardly sitting there watching it all. There was so much chaos surrounding her it was dizzying." 

"And in that moment she hugged you, what happened?"  

"The chaos stopped for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and tuned it out and everything got really still, but that's it. I didn't connect with her or feel anything. And the minute she released me, I was tossed back into the chaos." 

She squinted at me and nodded. "That's it. That was your gift." 

"What?" 

"The still point. Do you know the poem?" 

As she shared it with me, moments of stillness lodged in my memory rushed back. Don't get caught in the washing machine, Gurmukh's voice echoing through the meditation hall in Rishikesh. Precariously balanced in bakasana at the peak of Triund with the stark, snow-capped Himalaya behind me, the world stood silent and still. Lying on a stretcher in an Indonesian hospital as my head was stitched back together. Lying on the ground in the middle of a gravel road somewhere in northern Laos with the many faces of the village women surrounding me, pure blue sky above me, a voice from somewhere floating into my ears, life is but a dream. The moments stretch further back, to other times and places. All the lives I've lived stacking together into one moment.

Moments of stillness are the most potent because that's where love and forgiveness and chaos have the power to transform into the most incredible art. 

And just like that, my faith in all I believe, restored. 

This year is coming together, the pieces falling one by one in place around me as I stand in the center, at the still point of the turning world. 

What helps you center and stand stronger when life tries to push you from your foundation?