I stood in the doorway and gazed around the class--memorizing the way they look and move and bounce around the room. I opened my mouth to shout at him--my favorite--but the words got caught in my throat. Two steps forward, three back, then I turned and ran. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I barely made it out the front gate before the flood of tears came. I sat on my scooter sobbing.
What have I done?
What have I done?
Through all the sadness is a clarity--a crystal box--in which I hold all the reasons I'm doing this. Many of them are deeply personal. What started as the perfect job began to wear and diminish into something I simply did not align with. Over the course of this year, my eyes have been opened to an ingrained system that I could no longer show up to each day and turn a blind eye.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go, I told myself most days. It got me through the first year, and at some point during the second year, I hit a wall. At what point do we stop telling ourselves to let it go and take action? As a foreigner in a government school system, the only action I could take was to walk away.
Though I did fulfill my contract, and I left on good terms with promises of visiting over the summer before I leave Chiang Mai, none of this was easy. In fact, it was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I've made some pretty tough life decisions in my time. But with it comes a lightness that I haven't felt since I first left the US. A lightness one only feels when you are in alignment with your core values, integrity, love, and purpose.
During the ceremony on the last day of school, the students line up and the teachers bless them. Say something, he leaned in and whispered after I tied the white thread around his wrist and sprinkled the water on his head. Was I suppose to say something? Baa na rak dok mei, I said because what else is there to say? And for the first time, he actually laughed when I said it to him. Famous last words.
This past week I finally got around to watching one of the videos my yoga teacher back in California sent to our online group. She explained that the 40 day sadhana we are currently doing involves working with both Jupiter and Saturn energy--the energy of expansion and contraction which will help us align with our soul's calling. It just so happened that in midst of this kriya was when my job came to an end, and I'm now stepping into the world again with the time and space to focus on expanding creatively--which will take discipline (the expansion and contraction working together)!
This powerful synchronicity can not go un-noticed or un-documented. This is where expansion begins--taking note of these synchronicities, recognizing what you are not aligned with, sitting in stillness long enough to know that the next step doesn't need to be in the perfect direction, but the right direction.
Navigating a new tarot deck, a new home, new adventures, and a new way of working and approaching the world. I'm excited to share it with you all.
Have you ever had to make a tough decision to keep yourself aligned with your core values and everything you believe? Tell me your stories.
What have I done?
What have I done?
Through all the sadness is a clarity--a crystal box--in which I hold all the reasons I'm doing this. Many of them are deeply personal. What started as the perfect job began to wear and diminish into something I simply did not align with. Over the course of this year, my eyes have been opened to an ingrained system that I could no longer show up to each day and turn a blind eye.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go, I told myself most days. It got me through the first year, and at some point during the second year, I hit a wall. At what point do we stop telling ourselves to let it go and take action? As a foreigner in a government school system, the only action I could take was to walk away.
Though I did fulfill my contract, and I left on good terms with promises of visiting over the summer before I leave Chiang Mai, none of this was easy. In fact, it was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I've made some pretty tough life decisions in my time. But with it comes a lightness that I haven't felt since I first left the US. A lightness one only feels when you are in alignment with your core values, integrity, love, and purpose.
During the ceremony on the last day of school, the students line up and the teachers bless them. Say something, he leaned in and whispered after I tied the white thread around his wrist and sprinkled the water on his head. Was I suppose to say something? Baa na rak dok mei, I said because what else is there to say? And for the first time, he actually laughed when I said it to him. Famous last words.
This past week I finally got around to watching one of the videos my yoga teacher back in California sent to our online group. She explained that the 40 day sadhana we are currently doing involves working with both Jupiter and Saturn energy--the energy of expansion and contraction which will help us align with our soul's calling. It just so happened that in midst of this kriya was when my job came to an end, and I'm now stepping into the world again with the time and space to focus on expanding creatively--which will take discipline (the expansion and contraction working together)!
This powerful synchronicity can not go un-noticed or un-documented. This is where expansion begins--taking note of these synchronicities, recognizing what you are not aligned with, sitting in stillness long enough to know that the next step doesn't need to be in the perfect direction, but the right direction.
Navigating a new tarot deck, a new home, new adventures, and a new way of working and approaching the world. I'm excited to share it with you all.
Have you ever had to make a tough decision to keep yourself aligned with your core values and everything you believe? Tell me your stories.
Oh my god, I'm crying reading this. So much - or well, all of it - I relate to. Of course, reasons are different but leaving was both so incredibly hard and also the only real end there could be. Talk about synchronicity...I've been sure since the moment I hung up the call from my mom, everything that happened to me in my last couple months was the Universe realizing if it didn't intervene it was going to take me another 5 years to realize I was trapping myself in and missing the actual perfectly wrapped gift I had been given. I do still miss all my students, but you are right - the only way to deal with the brokenness in that system is to stop fueling it with your energy. Thank you so much for sharing this
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ Yes, even though it wasn't the best circumstances that propelled you to leave, it got you where you needed to be ❤️
ReplyDeleteI really loved my time there, but I agree. The only way to deal with it is to not fuel it. It's one of those situations where you give and give and give and get nothing in return that truly refills or refuels you.
Well Sara, our students were 10 and 11 years old which is quite an age to teach in these times as a foreign teacher. Most of the little darlings aren't so little anymore and aren't so darling either. Though I was only there for 2 excruciating months, it was an incredible experience for me for which I will never forget. I will never forget these 5/7 kids and always wonder how they are progressing through life. There is a lot expected of a foreign teacher there and I have no problems in admitting that I did not measure up. Every time I think of those kids, I don't get sad, I smile and think about when I will casually just drop in and have a peak in Narissa and Antara's 6th grade classes and I will most certainly laugh when I see some of my kids who didn't just verbally abuse me, but abused me physically as well though the abusers are a small minority. I have shown-up twice since I was fired and each time overwhelmingly all of the class was very happy to see me which affected me in a very warm way. They're little miniature sentient beings. I could have done a lot better and dealt with situations differently, but that is ok. I am sure these kids will be ok in life. So much to write...and the kids are up now and they are hungry. Thanks for inviting me to your blog Sara.
ReplyDeleteHi Mike! Yeah, I will always wonder about them too. I'll be in Chiang Mai throughout the summer until the end of July, and I do plan to stop by and visit them! Maybe we can coordinate and go visit them together! I'm hoping to keep in contact with some of my favorite, but we'll see.
ReplyDelete